Ospreys to Play Pre-Season Friendly on Mars

In a bold move to promote Magners League rugby to a wider audience, the Ospreys' management today confirmed that their August 2011 pre-season fixture (opponents TBC) will be played on the Chryse Planitia, Mars.

President Azaxyr Cavor, of the red planet's embryonic Barsoom Rugby Federation, announced at a joint media conference on Moonbase 4;

"For many years, the people of Mars have regarded the Magners League with envious eyes. When I first proposed the construction of the Chryse Stadium, many told me, 'Even if you build it, the chances of them coming are a million-to-one!'

Today, my colleagues and I stand vindicated, as Mars welcomes First Class rugby football in what we all hope will be the first of many interplanetary sporting exchanges."

Asked why the Ospreys had chosen Mars rather than the Liberty Stadium or - as a possible compromise - the Moon, Ospreys head coach Scott Johnson replied "We considered it - but there's just no atmosphere there." At time of writing it was unclear which venue Johnson was referring to.

Members of the Martian public attending the event seemed broadly enthusiastic. "Rugby seems a natural extension of traditional Martian values" said onlooker Mr. V. M. Smith.

"Also, we like those stands you use for the cameras. Three legs - very good!"

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(Disclaimer: This article aspires to be a satirical response to this one in the Daily Telegraph. Scientists regard the existence of rugby pitches on Mars to be highly unlikely. 'Smith' is not a real name.)

And all because...

It was a bit of a "Thornton's Selection" Christmas for an Ospreys supporter; an overdose of smooth caramel and Turkish delight, followed by a stale, tooth-cracking praline that turned out okay once swallowed.

It's not really Christmas until the Turks are stuffed, perhaps; but after the initial euphoria of the Ospreys' 60-17 solution to the "Best of the West" conundrum, things felt a little flat. Had the victims been Munster or Leicester, there would have been unbridled joy; but in truth I take no pleasure in seeing any Welsh side take so fulsome a thrashing, even at my own team's hands. With my Welsh hat on (I don't have a Welsh hat; it's an expression, okay?) it's unhealthy for the national team when a region struggles. The Scarlets' subsequent recovery to beat the Dragons suggests that their capitulation at Liberty Stadium was a blip. I hope so, as fervently as any of my monocular cousins.

On New Year's Eve, I sat disconsolately behind the wrong set of posts at the Cardiff City Stadium, as the team that had scored 60 points mere days ago seemed bent on conceding a similar total to the Blues. The second half reversal of fortunes meant that I got to see precious little action, but it was enough to suggest that the Ospreys had experienced a "blip" of their own. They tore into the Blues with a vengeance, and after leading by 21 at one stage, the home side did superbly well to cling on for a two-point win. Both teams will feel that they achieved something. They're both right.